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you need to start this post off with that song right there.
let’s keep it real. i don’t care who you are - jock, nerd, heart throb, class clown, recluse, homebody, mama’s boy, cool kid, shy guy - everybody who is anybody has a roster, girls and guys alike.
you know what i mean…a roster, a team, a squad. it’s far from that list of names in your favorite sports franchise’s brochure at the game; rather, it’s a metaphor that my friends and i developed (no arguments here. we are, in fact, the originators of the term. if you believe otherwise and you’re looking for co-signers, you’re on the wrong blog. go lobby for supporters somewhere else, because you’re SOL on my turf. and ask nas vegas what that acronym stands for if you don’t know already.), and i feel as though this is the perfect time to reveal the intricacies and inner workings of such an elaborate system.
what is a roster?
a person’s roster is a group of individuals, occasionally referred to as prospects, which share some type attraction with that person. the level of attraction can range anywhere from booty call jumpoffs to certified wifey material, and every notch between. rosters have proven to be advantageous to and preferred by many because of their ability to always provide options. want to catch that movie at the uptown, but have no one to see it with? check the roster. starving, but don’t feel like eating by yourself? check that roster. want to wow your friends with your ability to bring yet another dime to one of those house parties on 16th street? check that damn roster. bladaow. that’s what it’s for, baby.
rosters have, until recently, been under harsh scrutiny for their contribution to ruining relationships and ideal situations. fortunately, i have developed a few pointers to limit problems as well as lessen the collateral damage done by these rosters. follow these guidelines closely before and during your team’s draft:
1. never add friend’s siblings, roommates, close friends, or any other type of special relationship to the roster. it has disaster written all over it.
2. stay away from similar networks. in a world of Facebook, text messages, and encouraged networking, one tagged picture seen by the wrong set of eyes could bring your all-star roster’s playoff run to a screeching halt faster than you can say DCtoBC.com.
3. keep your $#!t tight. nobody wants to know they’re one of a few, or worse, one of many. even if they do know, they never want to hear it from your mouth. work on the “don’t ask, don’t tell” communication method, and things should be smooth sailing.
4. unless you can afford it, leave the high maintenance players to the big dogs. i’m talking about like tom cruise or will smith. let those guys wine and dine them. chances are, you don’t really want the ones who require all that. work and live within your means. you don’t want to wow her with flowers one day and then struggle to pay the bill at P.F. changs the next.
5. trading players and other negotiations are tolerable, but sweet talking them to switch sides isn’t. if you think you can better your chances at winning the title with a player on another team, work out a deal. don’t try and scoop them on the low, because karma is will rock you.
now that you know the cardinal rules of rosters, let me highlight a few things.
championship bottles.
the goals associated with these rosters vary. the two most popular:
1. to eventually find the one person you actually care about
2. to build a monster team during your prime so that when you become older, you can look back and say “damn. i was doing great work with that squad.”
either way, you are looking to win, and that takes MVP-caliber talent. so find that, ASAP.
size doesn’t matter.
the depth of one’s roster means nothing. instead, it depends on the preference of the creator of the squad. some may enjoy being able to cycle through girls like they do outfits, and perhaps not see the same girl for weeks, even months. their benchwarmers are frequently rotated in, and therefore the utmost energy can be exerted on each and every chill session with one of these team players. others keep a close-knit circle of durable, solid starters, very rarely tapping into their injured reserves unless absolutely necessary. whatever strategy floats your boat.
always recruit.
hold open gyms, invite players to individual workouts, and throw them in some light scrimmages. see how they work, and you just might be surprised with their compatibility with the team. don’t just look for all-stars. you may need a veteran or a role player on the squad. Or maybe you need reinforcements on the bench in case things get tough. and don’t get me started on relocation. that’s the number one roster killer. so be like ludacris, and lock down as many different area codes as you can. like i said, you never know what the future holds.
maintain relationships.
always communicate with your players. let them know that you haven’t forgot about them, even if it’s as simple as a text or a call, a quick visit or a wall post. that way, they can’t really get upset about their playing time.
don’t be mad.
you can never be too blown when you suspect you may be on somebody’s roster. after all, rosters aren’t permanent or set in stone, and in many situations, they are more of a safety net for those too insecure or unsure of a future with a given guy or girl. so really, the chances of you being on some type of roster are relatively high. just make sure you’re aware of this before you start making long distance, surprise trips to see them and they aren’t picking up phone calls.
the next time you see someone spitting game your way, try and figure where they fit in on your depth chart. you may just end up creating the most crucial squad of all time, and everybody will be jumping for joy when you bring home the title.
shout out to the homie allie. she put me on the 6th man theory. so if you need more, there you go.
update: i’ve officially lost anything even close to a roster after writing this joint. oh boy.
he said/she said.
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